Do I dare disturb my universe?

Summer is a happy time. A time of expecting sunshine and then complaining about it when it comes. A time of pasty legs with a crabstick blush and angry gnatbites turning smooth skin into the surface of Mars. A time of walking out without a jacket not knowing and not caring what time you’ll get home, of warm drizzle and of fields and hot tarmac and powdered sweaty smells and cars blaring loud music like unwanted gifts that still pierce your grump even if you hate the song. (It’s usually Will Smith – have you noticed?)

We are warmed by the sun, by all the underlying serendipitous science that accompanies that ball of flame in the sky that makes us feel kissed and blessed and open. Our bodies get a bit feisty for it all in the heat don’t they. I mean, not when it’s too hot. Then you’re like “DON’T TOUCH ME. I WILL LITERALLY DIE.” But our skin feels different. For a while we are programmed slightly different. Warm as bread, loving as puppies, carefree as children, dirty as cavemen.

Summer is a time for love. Falling in love and for celebrating love. Summer is awash with weddings. Some people get completely enchanted by them. They mark their calendars with these little bursts of ceremonial joy in brighter ink and pin them to the wall or fridge. Weddings for me on the other hand usually come screaming at me the day before when I realise that all of my bras have broken as I drag a crinkled playsuit out of the back of the wardrobe and forget that in wearing it I will be signing myself up to about thirty urinations with my entire outfit around my ankles.

I’ve had a double-whammy of weddings in the last couple of weeks. One was a secret wedding so I cannot divulge details other than IT WAS AMAZING. And the other was one of my best mate’s, who totally nailed it. A beautiful wedding that didn’t make me feel awkward or bored, not even for five minutes. I usually find myself sloping off to have a private sit-down – just for a break from all the unfettered lavishness or sentiment or pomp or over-expense or stultifying awkwardness of people being polite in too-stiff clothes – usually with my entire outfit around my ankles. Bathrooms are a wonderful chance for clarity. No one can drag you out to be sociable if they think you’re weeing.

But despite not being bored, and despite feeling unpunctuated merriment, I found myself still seeking those five minutes of stillness. Late in the evening as the crowd thinned to leave the hardcore of dancers, I was struck quiet. I suddenly needed a spot away from the fun I was having – and I was having fun – to figure out why I had gone all pensive. Clanged like a bell. I feel a lot of things at weddings in between various instances of high heeled discomfort. Surreal hilarity that I was ever briefly married against my way-too-late better judgement. Sadness that if I ever meet anyone I want to marry my dad will never have met him, sadness that my dad never got to give me away or do a speech during which only then would I notice his hair is now completely silver. Confusion over whether I believe marriage is necessary, inspiring, or advisable at all in the modern world. Mini feminist diatribes in my own head about how women are presented and given away and pressured to feel; indignance at the ceremonial echoes of our being passed from man to man like cattle that we choose to keep alive in pretty tradition. I think and feel many things but I have never felt like I want it for myself. So why had I gone quiet in the middle of some very good Britpop?

I sat down on a wall outside. Out of nowhere and with that dawning rush that may or may not have been stoked by a day of slow booze, I think I felt genuinely open to it. To marriage. That’s why I didn’t recognise it and I had to sit on my own for a bit. It’s a strange thing to suddenly feel out of the blue when you are single. Maybe it’s a good time to feel it. Maybe it makes you evaluate things better than when you’re feeling it in the throes of a relationship. I don’t know.

It was quite a big five minutes. To feel that. To explore that possibility. Sometimes you need those five minutes of quiet in the bustle of a wedding, while the dancefloor buzzes with life inside as you sit on a wall in the cooling night, and think about what you want. What do you want? What do I want? Do you want the marriage and the babies and the shared shelves. Do I? Do I actually? Do I dare disturb my universe? The summer can trick you that you want it all. It makes strange energy dance under your warm skin like fireflies in a paper bag. I went back inside and I danced but a part inside stayed quiet.

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Amardeep Sadhra says:

    Deep thoughts indeed…. beautifully written….and it does make you think.

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