The Trouble with being Burgled

The trouble with being burgled is that it makes you question how good your stuff is when they decide not to take any of it. That, and the safety of your abode. But mostly your stuff. I got called home from work last Thursday saying there had been a break in. My neighbour had disturbed…

Women’s Snickers

I had a lovely International Women’s Day last week. I’d been feeling a bit grumpy on account of lady problems – my bits ached, I was emotional, and I had a savage craving for Snickers like you wouldn’t believe, so I wasn’t massively in the mood to celebrate being a woman. Everything was narking me…

Spring is Always a Surprise

The sun’s come out. No matter how old you get Spring always feels like a bit of a surprise. Like bumping into an old friend in the street who’s been living abroad for a while. Familiar and lovely but somehow not expected. You turn a corner into March, the sky gets brighter, the days get…

Love is Loud

A friend told me last week that he suspected his Nan had lived for thirty years in a gay relationship but had never spoken of her love for her partner. She raised a family living with the woman she loved, but no one was ever quite sure of their true relationship. It just wasn’t the…

I am a Xylophone

Sometimes I’m like a ruddy xylophone. Strike me right and I will emit the note you want. It’s annoying. I wish I was less predictable, not set to a spectrum of choosable tones. Clonk.  I am aware of it in films, I am aware of it in music, I am aware of it in emotive…

Oh, Southend…

Good morning Southend, Did you sleep well? I did. I woke up when you elbowed me in the head but it didn’t hurt. It’s fine. No, seriously, it’s fine. So, Happy Valentine’s Day, my love. Let’s just lie here for a bit before the days gets all bonkers. Hang on, you’ve got a bit of…

Food Bags & Full Hearts

I’m always galled by how much of life revolves around money. Acquiring it governs most of the hours of our waking life, and a great portion of our physical and mental wellbeing depends on its constant acquisition. It never lasts. It goes too quick. It is our master and we dance for it like dogs…

Trump – the Human

I wonder what the first week of being the new President is like. I can’t stop imagining the private moments of Trump now he’s settling in at the White House. Because the big stuff is almost too unbearable to think about I find myself thinking of the little things. All the little ordinary things humans…

Time Travel & Messy Beds

There’s a lot of things that get left unsaid. If there was a script of our lives, if every word got transcribed and we could re read as though it was a play, would we want to? Would we want to remember all the things we said or had said to us? The pointless, the…

FRAN & LENI – VAULT FESTIVAL LONDON – 25-29 JAN

THE PLAY THAT PUNCHED THE TITS OF LATITUDE & EDINBURGH FESTIVALS COMES TO LONDON…  1976. Fran & Leni meet in a North London comp.  3 years later they are The Rips. Girls with guitars, bored of playing nice.  “Profanity meets poetry” ★★★★ – The Stage “Laugh out loud funny…provocative…deeply sad” ★★★★ – To Do List …

Dear Sir David Amess MP…

Dear Sir David Amess MP, Hullo! Nippy isn’t it? I’m typing this just round the corner to your office. I bet if I were to print this out, fold it into a paper aeroplane and lob it over it’d reach you quicker than the post but the truth is Sir David I haven’t got a…

The Next Big One

I think we were all kind of expecting someone else to go. I’ve found myself internally semi-squinting, waiting for ‘the next big one’ – the next person to go who would prompt national outpourings of distress. As my eyes trawl across some digi-obit or other I’ve muttered little mortality mantras – “Not Tom Hanks, Not David…