The Humble Have Beans

I knew I wasn’t a natural at being vegan when I spent ten minutes staring at a yoghurt trying to remember what it was made of. The fact it was white hinted that it was probably dairy-ish, but other than that I remained unsure for a worrying amount of time. I was ‘going vegan for…

The £9 Britney

It cost me nine quid for a start. That’s Reason #1 in why I should have suspected the haircut wouldn’t end well. Reason #2 was the fact I had interrupted two perma-sniffing Ukrainians in what looked like a half-hearted game of scissor darts. Tumble-weeds of split-end sweepings wafted across the floor in an eerie wind….

Killing Kids With Christmas Trees

My Christmas tree is a sorry thing to behold, it really is. I’m staring at it now. It’s naked, and bent to one side with all the indignity of a groom on his stag do, leaning against a lamp-post with his tackle between his arse-cheeks. The decorations came down last week, with the promise that…

Bird in a Black Tie

I tried something different on New Year’s Eve. I dressed as a bloke. I didn’t actually beard up or pad my pants with socks or anything, but I took what I thought would be the easy way out of a black tie soirée. I don’t mean I shinned down the drainpipe when the canapés ran…