On My Belly: New & Blank

I am lying on my belly, camping out in our new lounge. We got the keys to the flat but because we’ve been very laissez-faire about the whole thing our removal man is not booked for a while, so til then we’re squatting like anarchist hippies. Except we have electricity and loo roll and an…

Procrasti…(eats cake)…nation

I have been trying to write this column about procrastination for the last two hours but every time I’m almost ready to type, something crops up. First it was the last slice of Victoria Sponge that I knew I hadn’t wrapped up properly. I went and ate that to save on cling film. Then it…

Gary Barlow Stabs Puppies

There was a time when the slightest thing made me cry. An old man eating alone in a greasy spoon. A crushed snail. A crisp advert. That Extreme song played to death in the 90s where one dude sings low and the other dude sings high and there’s no drums. I was a wailer; my…

Decade: Hello & Goodbye

While on tour with my boy last week I made a stop off just outside Bristol to visit my nan. I don’t make the trip as often as I’d like and my busyness and bad excuses sit uncomfortably in my heart between visits. Reasons and excuses, weeks months years. Humans have a knack, most of…

Calm Journey, No Killings

It’s hard to stare dreamily at the sky when you’re stuck behind a bunch of BMW-driving twits thrusting at each other in stop-start traffic on the A1. Hard to stare out of the window and muse on the nature of journeys as some pillock whacks his hazards on and you’re neck-cricked back into the mundanity…